Artimus Fowl – Did Anyone Read the F*ing Book Review

Artemis Fowl ReviewRating: 1/5 – Did anyone who made Artimus Fowl actually read the source material, aka the fucking book.  Let’s get this straight.  The book is for 10 to 12-year-olds.  It’s a kid’s power fantasy.  In the books, Artimus Fowl is the presumed surviving member of his family.  That family is a dynastic crime family famous for elaborate heists, being part of the upper criminal underworld, feared and respected by their various peers.   For various reasons, Artimus’ family has fallen from grace, lost all their money, exposed for being the criminals they are, and amongst this, his father is gone and his mother is a shell of who she used to be.  So Artimus, a boy genius on Lex Luthor’s level, takes it upon himself to restore his family’s name and fortune by becoming one of the most feared super-geniuses on the planet.  How?  By committing a ridiculously elaborate crime.  How else?  In this world creatures of magic exist in a tacit agreement with the human world.  Human’s police humans, magical creature police magical creatures.  So being a criminal leads to Indiana Jones meets Harry Potter levels of choices.  And since magical creatures are harder to just steal from it’s better for Artimus’ reputation if he succeeds against them.  That essentially the book series.  The boy genius against the world.

Artimus Fowl – Book vs Movie

So why did I bother to go into such detail about the plot of this book?  Because that’s what makes the book so popular.  You’re not exactly rooting for Artimus, but you’re wondering if he’ll succeed against those with way more power them him.  You want to see how he uses his brain to outmaneuver greater powers.  And absolutely none of that was in this movie.  Most movies based on books manage to at least give you an idea of why the book sells so well.   At miscast as Percy Jackson was they manage to capture the bare essence of the story.   Kenneth Branagh (directory), Hamish McColl (writer), and Conor McPherson (writer) made the huge mistake of attempting to redeem Artimus Fowl. He’s not a criminal because basically he’s an evil little shit and you want to see him get him as much as you want to see how he’ll succeed. Oh, no. We can’t have that in a Disney movie. We’ve got to Wicked Artimus. He’s not bad, they just draw him that way. Bullshit. You like him because he’s bad. Captain Holly Short (in the book), played by Lara McDonnell, is the actual “Hero” of the book. She’s the antagonist because she wants to stop Artemus. He captures her by blindsiding her and holds her prisoner while she plots to find any way to stop him. They’re not friends in the first book, they’re enemies. In the movie, since they want you to sympathize with Artimus because all he wants to do is save his daddy. . .yeah, that’s why the movie with disjointed and bad. They added the elements of the books but forgot the actual characters and what they’re about. I mean Kenneth Branagh leaned right into the ridiculousness of Thor and made it work. But he and Disney didn’t have the books to make the bad guy the bad guy? That’s like making a homicidal maniac like the Joker a sad misunderstood INCEL who was pushed by society to be an evil monster. That would be stupid, right?

Bottom Line

What?  The rating and my description of how the Titanic of a movie hit its ow iceberg weren’t enough.  The makers of this movie, including Disney, should have had more balls.  I know it’s all about family-friendly, but you can do a movie about a bad guy and make it family-friendly too.  There were many great ideas and a hell of a franchise wasted on bad plotting, wrong-headed characterization, basic CGI, and really bad editing.  The editing in this shit-fest made you think Michael Myers and Freddy Cruger teamed up to cut this one.    There was a part of the movie where I started listening to a chapter of an audiobook instead of paying attention.  90% of the script and direction must have been “Okay everyone, let’s find out inner Basil Exposition!”   I’m not an expert on how movies are made, but I play one with a blog, so I can’t exactly point the finger on who’s to blame for this mess.  However, I’m going to be safe about it and say everyone is responsible.  This movie wasn’t worth theater prices.  It was barely worth a bit torrent.




I'm from Brooklyn New York and this is my opinion on everything.

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