(Rating: 1/5) What the hell was that? No seriously, was that supposed to be a movie? Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice wasn’t just bad, it was horrible. But First, let’s be completely honest. I was warned with Man of Steel. Everyone was warned with the second trailer. We all saw it. The stupid joke, the telling of how the movie was going to end, Doomsday. (Seriously DC/Warner/Zack Snyder? Doomsday?) We were warned when they hired Jesse Eisenberg to play Lex Luthor. There are signs at how good or bad a movie will be. The signs that is movie was going to be the exact disaster it turned out to be was written on the walls in glowing neon letters.
The difference between how bad Batman v Superman is and how bad Man of Steel was is the difference in how the people who claim to like it make excuses for it. There are two hour long YouTube videos of people making excuses for the stupid shit done in Man of Steel. With BvS they’re not even trying to make excuses. They are just standing with their movie.
In the beginning you had the potential for a really good movie. At least the movie everyone wanted to see. Bruce Wayne is there when Superman is fighting Zod. From his perspective it’s two enormously powerful being just wrecking shit. So Bruce is angry about this. Superman can take over. People got killed. Good arguments. Until you see Batman in action taking over and killing people. After that you’re going “wait. . .what?” Then the opening credits happened and they use them to tell Batman’s origin for the three people and all the newborns on Earth who don’t know it yet. Then Lois Lane is in some place somewhere where there’s brown people and, of course, they’re terrorists. Then they shoot the cameraman who turns out to be a CIA spy who turns out to be Jimmy Olsen – which I didn’t know until I watch a review one week after I saw this movie. Then they are about to shoot Lois but Superman has Lois vision and saves her. He doesn’t have mommy vision, so mom gets to play the woman tied to the chair for this movie. And while Superman saves Lois some of the terrorist start shooting all the other terrorists and the next day the news is speculating if the creature who can punch a mountain, has laser eyes and freeze breath, can out fly every plane invented killed those terrorists. Apparently the military needs CSI: Terrorist Stereotype Land because they missed all those bullet holes. Then Lois is naked in a tub to justify the upcoming R-Rated version. Then Batman is training. Then Lex Luthor isn’t in this movie at all, but Jesse does a great Riddler. Then Batman outright murders a bunch of people. Then he asks Superman if he bleeds. Then Lex Luthor is still not in this film but Jesse pees in a jar and blows up a bunch of people. Then Superman feel bad about the pee. . .or the explosion. . .none of which was his fault at all. Then Batman is watching videos of stuff we were promised were going to actually be in the movie but isn’t. Then they fight. Someone screams “MARTHA!” Then Doomsday. Oh yeah, and Wonder Woman is in this movie too because. . .Wonder Woman? Then. . .fuck this movie.
And that was Batman v Superman DAWN OF JUSTICE. I put those last words in all caps because it was supposed to be the start of Justice League. How do you know it’s starting the Justice League? Because Wonder Woman wonders in for two pointless scenes and then is dropped into the middle of the battle because. . .I’m not sure. And remember all those cool drawings and photos they dropped online and in the Kevin Smith hosted hour long special? Well you get found footage instances of something close to that and one appearance of a guy I think was the Flash but they did not bother getting Basil Exposition to come in and explain it to me. Oh and they fought, and then Martha, then Doomsday then. . .
If you saw the trailers to Batman V Superman, you saw the movie. You hear all those critics saying pretty much what I just said but going “but for some reason I still recommend this movie.” Fuck them. To call this movie a mess would be to insult movies that are messes. It’s Batman v Superman. Superman is the first super-hero, without him there would be no Flash or Spawn or Swamp Thing or Spider-Man. Batman is the most popular super hero on the planet because he’s Batman. Both are the most well known out of every single other super hero out there, including Spider-Man. You put them together in a movie, that’s your movie. You have the mega-budget or a mega-studio behind it. You have a director who. . . okay, let’s not push it. Zack Snyder is Zack Snyder. My point is you did not need an over complicated plot. You did not need to do two of the most famous DC comic stories in one movie. You did not need Doomsday. Doomsday was a dumb character from a dumb story whose only redeeming value was how cash grabby and completely stupid it was. Doomsday did not work in the comics, never worked in animation and did not work in this movie. That was why everyone rolled their eyes after the second trailer.
Yes Ben Affleck was awesome as Batman, but sprinkling sugar on a lump of shit does not change it from being a lump of shit. Batman v Superman was a lump of shit. People say the fight scenes were cool. One of them was, and you saw it in the third trailer. The other fight scenes could have been cool but they were covered in the stench of a shitty movie. If you have not seen this movie yet, don’t bother. Wait for it to come on cable.