Child’s Play 2019 – You’ve Got to be F@#king Kidding Me!

Childs Play 2019 TrailerI actually forgot they were remaking Child’s Play.   I vaguely remember seeing some pop culture focused YouTube channel, maybe Nerdist, making the announcement.   However, it was one of those news stories you hear, kinda laugh at, then forget when Cracked put out another After Hours.  (And if you haven’t seen a Cracked After Hours, they used to be pure gems.)  Then I was on Twitter and MovieBob tweeted,

Childs Pla 2019 Trailer Moviebob TwitterYeah, @MovieBob, I feel precisely the same way.   I’m not sure where I and MoveBob falls on the Child’s Play radar.  The original movie came out in 1988 and it was made for only 9 million, but went on to make $33 dollars domestically and $40 million worldwide.    This made it #34 in earnings for 1988 being beaten by such illustrious fare like Cocktail and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.  The hard truth is Child’s Play was a bad movie.  Not “so bad it’s good.”  Just back.  Michael Bay Transformers bad.   Uwi Bol (pick any movie) bad.   It became ironically famous much the same way Sharknado and Birdemic became ironically famous.

The Problem With Child’s Play 1988

Wow, where to begin.  Let’s start with the threat.  Okay, the premise of this movie was a serial killer named Charles Lee Ray gets shot by a detective and puts his soul into a popular boys doll called Chucky.  He’s able to bring the doll to life and he needs to find another body or get stuck in the doll.  When a young mother buys him for her son, Andy, Chucky decides to steal the boy’s body.  While trying to get the boy to do the ritual he goes around killing people because 1980’s horror movie.

Child’s Play was a dumb movie.  The main thing that made it dumb was the threat.  When Brad Dourif (The voice of Chucky) was Charles Lee Ray he didn’t scream “dangerous serial killer.’  He felt more like punk thief who might kill you because he’s too dumb to think of another way.  When he was Chucky he had the proportional strength of a Chucky Doll.  Only four feet and made of plastic.  People would either freeze in shock the same way they did in order for the Mummy to catch them back in the 1930s, or he sneaks up on you.  When he’s going full blown crazy running at people with a knife (because they all had to have knives) you just couldn’t’ take it seriously.

Handling Chucky 1988 Would Be Child’s Play

Chucky would freak me out for a split second before I pick up a baseball bat or spatula and flung his ass on top of the stove burners.  There’s no way I’m getting my ass kicked by a slightly bigger G.I. Joe without all the cool gear.   Because he was a fucking cabbage patch doll.   In most of his “horror”, you kept wondering why didn’t anyone just kick his big foot Barbie ass into a fire place.   He’s got a knife?  Pull his fucking arm off.  He’s a goddamn Ken doll, and a cheap knock-off one, not an OG Matel.

Child Play – Character Motivations

Chucky wanted to escape the law so he puts himself in a doll’s body, then does a lot of public kills.  He wants to get Andy to do the ritual to transfer bodies, so he threatens Andy’s mother.  Why Andy?  Andy was a child.   Why not Andie’s father, or an 18-year-old?   Why would the dangerous serial killer want to be a little kid?   You wanted to feel for Andy but even he was bigger and stronger than Chucky.  That’s the problem when your monster doesn’t feel like the threat he should feel like.  What was the mother’s story, or the father’s story?  I couldn’t tell you.  I watched Child’s Play once, and have looked at another since.  Because they’re stupid movies.

Child’s Play – The Slasher Era and Beyond

It started with Halloween.  It should have with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but that’s part of a different era of so-call “horror” movies.   The slasher era began with Halloween.  Then Friday the 13th and finally A Nightmare on Elm Street.  These movies were so successful studios were scrambling to get their own masked killer.  And man did they try.  This was also the era that VHS tapes were a thing so the “direct to VHS” movie included a lot of these stupid slasher movies.   It was a sort of free-for-all where a lot of movie makers were throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.  That’s why you’ve got Prom Night and Terror Train.

Child’s Play was totally a “throw shit against the wall and see what sticks.”  People remember the general stupidity of the movie, not the movie itself.  The idea of the killer doll a two-year-old can beat up was kind of funny on an of levels.

Child’s Play The Comedy

The biggest problem with Child’s Play was it took itself way too seriously.  Oh, the makers kinda-sorta pretend (I have air-quote up) it was a sort of horror comedy.  When you watch the movie you can tell they were being completely serious and holding fast to the premise.  It should have been a damn comedy in the first place, not have later sequel play out with this winking “Hey, you know we meant the fist one be funny, right?” feeling.  That’s the funny thing about nostalgia, it screws things up too much.  Like people who remember how Sam Raimi made those two funny Evil Dead movies.  The Evil Evil dead was fucking serious and totally awful.   Fans are fans with heavily tinted rose color glasses on.  Evil Dead did not go funny until Army of Darkness.

We were not laughing with Child’s Play or Evil Dead 2.  We were laughing at them.  The maker bought the clue and that’s why the sequels took a more horror-comedy track towards the whole thing.  Somehow the story got to change over the years and suddenly Child’s Play is a classic.  No, it isn’t.  Child’s Play wasn’t clever, it wasn’t fun, it was just dumb.  When it made a profit they kept pumping them out.  I hear there’s going to be a series on one of the streaming networks and I couldn’t care less.   It won’t last long.   As I’m to understand it the show will be “in continuity” to the movies.  Mistake.   Mostly the show it based on a bad movie with a bad premise which executed that premise badly.

Child’s Play 2019

Looks like we’re going Terminator with the Chucky idea.  Will Charles Lee Ray be a disgruntled Millennial hacker whose mind gets caught in the machine ala Lawnmower Man, or will he be a computer personality gone bad?   If they are making him A.I. without the overt Pinnochio references, then you know there’s going to be a Chucky attack in mass.  It will iRobot only without the Will Smith fun.   Chucky tends to go for gore so we might get its version of the third act of From Dusk Til Dawn, or something similar.  You just know it’s going to happen from the trailer.  They’ve got a new Andy, so what’s the android Chucky’s interest in him this time?   What ever it is, I bet it will be dumb and rocks.  Why won’t it work?  Because it’s being remade from a bad foundation, the first Child’s Play movie.  Anything built on a rotten foundation does stand up for long.

 

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Dafixer

I'm from Brooklyn New York and this is my opinion on everything.

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