Jupiter Ascending – WTF?

Jupiter-Ascending-Mila-Kunis-Channing-TatumRating:   .5/5

What the fuck? That sums up Jupiter Ascending.

What the fuck happened to the Wachowski siblings? Bound is one of the best mobster movies on the planet, with a twist that I considered the most impressive until Gone Girl. It was fresh and different and there’s a reason that it was the movie that convinced the studios to give them a green light on that high falutin movie about computers and tech metal music. Speaking of which, didn’t they give us a movie so damn awesome that not even the hate for it’s sequels could move it off everyone’s best movie of all time list? Aren’t movies today still imitating the Matrix? So what happened?

What the fuck was this movie about? Okay, there’s this girl who was born in Russia and her father is killed by thieves because he didn’t want to give up a special telescope that was only special because it existed. But there’s this family of rich aliens who make their money destroying planets for their resources Galatus style, but one of them dies and that leaves a hole in the power structure everyone is trying to fill. Jupiter, played by Mila Kunis, is working as a cleaning lady in Chicago but dreams of buying the special telescope – even though the character is never shown to have any interest at all in astronomy or science or acting. But the rich family of aliens knows she’s alive because. . .reasons. . .and they they want to kill her because. . .reasons. . .or she might inherit the fortune of the dead rich sibling because. . .reasons. Turns out she’s the reincarnation of the sibling. I’m not kidding. The father wasn’t a long lost brother who wanted no part Jupiter-Ascending-Mila-Kunisof the family bullshit so came to Earth to have sex with a Russian woman. The mother has absolutely no connection to the aliens. It just by some coincedence of birth Jupiter is the genetic duplicate of the dead sibling making her the dead sibling and Channing Tatum, a half wolf half human with really cool hoover shoes has to save her because he was disgraced in the war we never get to see and hated because he’s half wolf half human, and one of the siblings has a city located on Jupiter and wants to harvest the Earth Jupiter-Ascending-Channing-Tatumbecause. . .reasons, but can’t if Mila makes a claim to her inheritance because Earth is part of that inheritance and important because. . .reasons. . .but the other sibling also want to team up with and destroy Earth and there’s a love story but she marries the bad guy because even though he looks and talks and acts like a bad guy, why not? but the marriage get interrupted but this leads to someboby getting killed because. . .reasons. . .


There’s a 2000 movie called Wonder Boys where Michael Douglas plays an aging professor trying to write a book after not having published in quite some time. He smokes a lot of pot and has panic attacks that literally paralizes him throughout the movie. Katie Holmes plays one of his hot students who wants to sleep with him because Katie Holm will be able to play the hot student until she’s 70. Anyway one of the jokes in Wonder Boys is that Michael Douglas’ book is boxes and boxes of types pages long. He carries it around with him throughout the movie like the book is it’s own character. At one point Katie ends up reading and and points out that it reads like Michael Douglas had and idea but did not know how to finish any of them. In describing her problem with the over long books she points out, “”. . .it sort of reads in places like you didn’t make any choices. At all. And I was just wondering if it might not be different if… if when you wrote you weren’t always… under the influence. ”

That describes Jupiter Ascending.

Jupiter-Ascending-Alien-001Dear Wachowski’s, pick a fucking plot already. This movie was all over the place. There was no structure, no plot to hold on too, there was a bad guy but it felt like every other character was a bad buy, and some of the might be bad guys suddenly turned into good guys. There was no clear threat. The Earth was in danger but not in danger. YEESH. The reactions to things that happened in this movie made no sense. For instance, The family gets attacked and taken prisoner by a bunch of huge warrior lizard because. . .reasons, but after it was over they acted like it was not more trouble for them than being cut off on the freeway. I’m not kidding. The movie ends with Jupiter going back to her maid job instead of taking her newly acquired space gold and buying a mansion with an army of half human half wolf cabana boys. It was like someone gave a twelve year old a huge budget and cool special effect and said, Jupiter-Ascending-Eddie-Redmayne“write a story.”

The special effects and action were great, there was just no story, theme, plot, good writing, competent directing or anything passing for a narrative to hold the cool action and special effects together. It might as well have been a video game. I would have given Jupiter Ascending a zero but it got some points for at least existing, so there’s that.